The story of Longkaozui's exploits

Goodbye Contributor

longkaozui — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 03:38:23 +0000

Sad to say one of our inspirations for this blog is going bye bye – while he won’t be far away, his Nirvana is a cause for celebration… While some might argue that he goes from Cow’s ass to cow dung, we wish him all the best in not returning to where we are… Below however is how we can bring him back…

Singapore Police Profiling Still A Grim Reality for Exploited Fellows Assholes

by Professor In-Ter-Loque

When I first learned of the arrest of my colleague Professor Henry Louis “Ah Lee” Zui after he stood up to the fascist jackboots of a declasse, ill-educated Singapore police officer, I was of course angered — but scarcely shocked. L’Affaire Zui simply aired, in public, the dirty 100-thread-count table linen of an Singaporean culture where Exploited Fellows assholes still face a daily struggle against profiling, abuse, and insolence.

It will come as no surprise that Ah Lee’s arrest was the talk of the Douchebag Room at the Exploited Fellows Club last Friday. I and a group of colleagues had assembled for our weekly lunch; I opted for their competently-prepared Ahi Tuna Tartare and an amusing glass of ’05 Hospices de Beaune Premier Cru Cuvee Cyrot-Chaudron. I had noticed that the Franz Fanon Memorial Booth — Ah Lee’s long-reserved lunch spot — was uncharacteristically empty, and asked our waiter Sergio for an explanation.

“Professor Zui, he no is come today,” said Sergio. “I tink he is in the jail.”

Our table exchanged knowing glances, for we knew immediately that Ah Lee was only the latest victim of a system that singles out the Exploited Fellows asshole for stigmatization and unequal justice. It is a system that all of us knew too well, and provided an opportunity for an open conversation about our shared experiences as Exploited Fellows assholes in Singapore while waiting for Sergio to bring the dessert cart.

One after one came the cascade of stark stories: the rolled eyes of our department secretaries. The Spanish language mockery of our office janitors. The foul gestures of drunken strap-hanging Red Sox lumpenproles aboard the MBTA. The frequent police stops on the highway to Bukit Timah and East Coast for “Volvoing Asshole.” And then there are the insulting media stereotypes, where we are routinely caricatured as pompous, effete, self-important, irrelevant elitists. All, I might add, by a motley collection of lowbrow inferiors, few of whom have ever published in a peer-reviewed journal. Let alone edit one.

Sometimes it even comes at the hand of self-styled “peers” from D-list state ampersand institutions. One colleague recounted the tale of his restroom confrontation with a NTU professor at a national academic conference last year. After relieving themselves at adjacent urinals, my colleague noticed the oaf leaving hastily for the plenary session and decided to gently point out his hygienic forgetfulness. “An Exploited man washes his hands after urinating,” he said. “And an NTU guy don’t piss all over his hands, asshole,” came the reply.

“Okay, Where does this street go to, asshole?” barked the interloper. Needless to say, my colleague’s daily morning runs have since been replaced with tear-filled visits to the Fellows Asshole Self Esteem Counseling Center.

For untold hundreds of Exploited Fellows assholes such indignities are, sadly, still part and parcel of being “The Other.” As Super Vice President of the School of Exploited Fellows Asshole Studies, I have worked to institute policies to insure that Exploited maintains a nurturing environment for all assholes in our community, be they Fellows, students, or alumni. Some progress has been made, such as Exploited’s mandatory sensitivity and deference training program for all incoming freshassholes. But such internal programs do little to address the impertinence and discrimination we still face outside campus. Some have suggested that we involve the Singapore Police Department in an educational outreach program, but in my experience the SPD is among the worst offenders.

Case in point: last winter I was slated to deliver the keynote address for an intradepartmental asshole colloquium at Lowell House. Running late, I temporarily parked along Plympton. As I emerged from my Volvo, I discovered that I had captured the unwelcome attention of a SPD officer. “Hey Buddy, is that your car?” he barked.

“Why? Because I’m a Exploited Fellows asshole in Singapore?” I cleverly retorted.

“No asshole, because this is a bus lane and you can’t double park here,” he sneered, concocting a flimsy excuse for his continued harassment. “You have to move it now.”

“That’s Soon to be Doctor, Super Vice-president and Fellow Asshole to you, you fascist townie,” I explained, tossing him the Volvo’s remote-start key. “Need a valet? Call your mother at the brothel.”

Thankfully the Constitution still allows even Exploited Assholes a bare modicum of human rights, so I used my allotted phone call to alert the Dean and the Fellows Grievance Committee to my plight. In those 35 excruciating minutes I wasted away waiting in that stark cell, I wrote the opening chapter of “Letters From a Singapore Jail,” my forthcoming scholarly magnum opus on the grim legacy of Asshole oppression in Singapore.

Eventually my arrest record was expunged and I agreed to meet the loathsome arresting officer at President Faust’s office for a conciliatory off-record “beer chat.” As the Agency Counsel had predicted, the lure of free limitless alcohol proved irresistible to the simpleminded ah beng, and he was soon happily signing confessions of guilt and abject apologies. Still, even after he was fired, I was left to pick up the pieces of my shattered psyche.

As I recounted the details of that unpleasant encounter to my colleagues, a few wondered aloud if we were not better served by changing the system gradually. Then our eyes turned to the stately historic portraits of the Exploited Fellows assholes who came before us, hanging in silent judgment on the Douchebag Room walls… Would these great assholes have accepted complicit silence in the face of crude police insolence? How will we be remembered by future generations of Exploited Fellows assholes who will battle future generations of Singapore police and parking enforcement officials? Where is Sergio with the damned dessert cart?

Assholes lead a tough life here at “Exploited” Tech

longkaozui — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 01:29:26 +0000

Singapore Police Profiling Still A Grim Reality for Exploited Fellows & Assholes

by Professor In-Ter-Loque

When I first learned of the arrest of my colleague Professor Henry Louis “Ah Lee” Zui III after he stood up to the fascist jackboots of a declasse, ill-educated Singapore police officer, I was of course angered — but scarcely shocked. L’Affaire Zui simply aired, in public, the dirty 100-thread-count table linen of a Singaporean sub-culture where Exploited Tech Fellows assholes still face a daily struggle against profiling, abuse, and insolence.

It will come as no surprise that Ah Lee’s arrest was the talk of the Douchebag Room at the Exploited Fellows Club last Friday. I and a group of colleagues had assembled for our weekly lunch; I opted for their competently-prepared Ahi Tuna Tartare and an amusing glass of ’05 Hospices de Beaune Premier Cru Cuvee Cyrot-Chaudron. I had noticed that the TAM Memorial Booth — Ah Lee’s long-reserved lunch spot — was uncharacteristically empty, and asked our waiter Sergio for an explanation.

“Professor Zui, he no is come today,” said Sergio. “I tink he is in the jail.”

One after one came the cascade of stark stories: the rolled eyes of our department secretaries. The Singlish language mockery of our office janitors. The foul gestures of drunken strap-hanging Geylang United lumpenproles aboard the MRT. The frequent police stops on the highway to Bukit Timah and East Coast for “Volvoing Asshole.” And then there are the insulting media stereotypes, where we are routinely caricatured as pompous, effete, self-important, irrelevant elitists. All, I might add, by a motley collection of lowbrow inferiors, few of whom have ever published in a patent. Let alone read the details of one.

Sometimes it even comes at the hand of self-styled “peers” from C-list state ampersand institutions. One colleague recounted the tale of his restroom confrontation with a NTU professor at a national academic conference last year. After relieving themselves at adjacent urinals, my colleague noticed the oaf leaving hastily for the plenary session and decided to gently point out his hygienic forgetfulness. “An Exploited Tech man washes his hands after urinating,” he said. “And an NTU guy don’t piss all over his hands, asshole,” came the reply.

A female colleague from IPM recalled a recent incident along the Singapore River jogging path during her regular morning run. A confused passer-by rudely interrupted her progress and requested directions, as if my colleague were some sort of lowly campus guide or untenured adjunct. “Where does this street go to?” she demanded. Naturally, my colleague took the opportunity to correct her, noting that “at Exploited we do not end our sentences in prepositions.” “Okay, Where does this street go to, asshole?” barked the interloper. Needless to say, my colleague’s daily morning runs have since been replaced with tear-filled visits to the Fellows Asshole Self Esteem Counseling Center. For untold hundreds of Exploited Fellows assholes such indignities are, sadly, still part and parcel of being “The Other.”

As Super Vice President of the School of Exploited Fellows Asshole Studies, I have worked to institute policies to insure that Exploited maintains a nurturing environment for all assholes in our community, be they Fellows, grunts, or alumni. Some progress has been made, such as Exploited’s mandatory sensitivity and deference training program for all incoming freshassholes. But such internal programs do little to address the impertinence and discrimination we still face outside campus. Some have suggested that we involve the Singapore Police Department in an educational outreach program, but in my experience the SPD is among the worst offenders.

Case in point: last winter I was slated to deliver the keynote address for an intradepartmental asshole colloquium at Guild House. Running late, I temporarily parked along Pasir Panjang. As I emerged from my Volvo, I discovered that I had captured the unwelcome attention of a SPD officer. “Hey Buddy, is that your car?” he barked. “Why? Because I’m a Exploited Fellows asshole in Singapore?” I cleverly retorted. “No asshole, because this is a bus lane and you can’t double park here,” he sneered, concocting a flimsy excuse for his continued harassment. “You have to move it now.” “That’s Soon to be Doctor, Super Vice-president and Fellow Asshole to you, you fascist townie,” I explained, tossing him the Volvo’s remote-start key. “Need a valet? Call your mother at the brothel.”

It doesn’t take an experienced asshole rights activist to tell you what happened next: my Volvo was on its way to impound while I rode to the Singapore Police Station in the unheated vinyl rear seat of Bull Conner’s squad car. To add insult to injury, the desk officer refused my request for a dignified background bookshelf for my booking photos. Thankfully the Constitution still allows even Exploited Assholes a bare modicum of human rights, so I used my allotted phone call to alert the Dean and the Fellows Grievance Committee to my plight. In those 35 excruciating minutes I wasted away waiting in that stark cell, I wrote the opening chapter of “Letters From a Singapore Jail,” my forthcoming scholarly magnum opus on the grim legacy of Asshole oppression in Singapore.

Eventually my arrest record was expunged and I agreed to meet the loathsome arresting officer at Fusionopolis for a conciliatory off-record “beer chat.” As the Agency Counsel had predicted, the lure of free limitless alcohol proved irresistible to the simpleminded ah beng, and he was soon happily signing confessions of guilt and abject apologies. Still, even after he was fired, I was left to pick up the pieces of my shattered psyche.

The Master of Marketing

longkaozui — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 06:04:05 +0000

The buzz word in today’s zui filled world is MARKETING.
However,many an idiot has no idea what it means. “Marketing” contrary to popular belief is not just about buying groceries. Here it is explained:

1. You’re a mustached manager and you see a potential candidate at a job fair. You go up to him and say, “I’m a fantastic manager/lecturer/educator and mentor.”
That’s Direct Marketing.

2. You’re at a job fair with a (only) friend and see a potential candidate . Your colleague/friend goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, “he’s a fantastic manager/lecturer/educator and mentor.”
That’s Advertising.

3. You see a potential candidate at a job fair. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m a fantastic manager/lecturer/educator and mentor.”
That’s Telemarketing.

4. You see a potential candidate at a job fair; you straighten your tie. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, “May I?” and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your mustache lightly against his arm, and then say, “By the way, I’m a fantastic manager/lecturer/educator and mentor.”
That’s Public Relations.

5. You’re at a job fair and see apotential candidate . He walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re a fantastic manager/lecturer/educator and mentor.”
That’s Brand Recognition.

6. You’re at a job fair and see a potential candidate. He wants to work for you, but you talk him into joining your friend.
That’s a Sales Rep.

7. Your friend can’t mentor him so he calls you.
That’s Tech Support.

8. You’re on your way to a job fair when you realize that there could be many candidates in all these houses you’re passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at
the top of your lungs, “I’m a fantastic manager/lecturer/educator and mentor!”
That’s Junk Mail.
Now I don’t know why, but that analogy was just so much funnier when used in the context of sex… Now it’s just plain true.

Pineism Tool

longkaozui — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 01:27:57 +0000

This couldn’t be funnier if it weren’t real!!!

Proudly endorsed by the founders of Pineism

Star Bores

longkaozui — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 10:54:30 +0000

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away; the rebellion of the rebel Trade Alliance and the Republic had already become stale and boring news.

The rebel alliance’s star performer Barf Vobler had changed his day job from commanding starfleets to become a management consultant. However, he still had poor fashion sense, wore black and spoke with a fake accent. Barf’s CV now includes being a marketing consultant for the Institute of Improbable Market Research. He needs to recruit new members.

Barf – (to his underling) Get me Bobo Fart A.S.A.P., or touch my heart, I will vaporise you with my “peel the onion” jargon!

Nameless underling – Yes, as you wish Lord Vobler.

Barf – You are hereby dispensed…(with a flick of his hankerchief)

(Voice recording of Bobo Fart on the line) – Hello, this is Bobo Fart Enterprises. How may we help you against your enemies today? We’re having an offer on serial kidnappings and will find and kidnap two for the price of one. For a limited period only, friends and family members gets a special package deal for clandestine jobs. Call 1800-WHO-GIVES-A-SH** for more information.

Barf – Cutting the marketing cr** and let me speak to Bobo Fart, NOW! I want Bobo for me, you hear?!

Bobo Fart – Sorry, is that really you Barf? Yo bro, I REALLY like that black suite you’re still wearing man! Seng lee hoh boh?

Barf – Not bad, not bad Bobo. People are buying my story. Instead of attacking galaxies with starships and clone troopers, I now collaborate with them instead. More civilised and all that. No need to clean up the blood but the end result is the same; everybody crashes and burns in the end.

Bobo Fart – Ahhh, you’re absolutely rightl interesting indeed.

Barf – I need you to recruit members for my galaxy-spanning initiative. I already have members from the star systems of Hoth, Coruscant, Tatooine and Endor, I still need new suckers, I mean new members! The last planet I have not approached with my inter-galactic initiative is Datooine. I want Luke Mat-Rocker. Bring him here at any cost, I want to interlogue with him.

Bobo – I hear the Force is strong with Luke Mat-Rocker.

Barf – You’re absolutely right, Bobo … with Luke’s Force, I will be invicible.

(Bobo Fart kidnaps Luke Mat-Rocker, brings him to Barf.)

Barf – Luke, join me and together we will rule the galaxy. Join me and collaborate with the universe. Get free trips. Talk to boring people. Get a title on your namecard and things to pad your CV with! Muah-aa-ha-ha-haaa! (manic laughter)

Luke – No, I will never join you! You jargon-spewing, idea-stealing, knee-jerking $##@!!!!!

Barf – Look into you heart Luke, Wah si le lao peh! I AM your father…. (heavy breadthing….)

Luke – If you’re my father, how come you’re so ugly? Huh, and how come your name is not Mat-Rocker? And that bad haircut, oh pleeez!

Barf – Enough! How dare you criticize me? I will vaporise you with my “touch my heart and peel the onion” jargon. You are dispensed!

Luke – Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! (falls into toilet bowl tube)

[Don't miss out on the exciting next episode of Star Lors where Luke comes back from long leave and goes on holiday to the marsh planet Dagobar where he learns and masters the Jedi arts from a great warrior, Goon Jumbu.]

Pineism Creed

longkaozui — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 10:53:32 +0000

Fresh from his research into a new proto-religion, Longkowzui is pleased to present Dr. In Ter Logue’s latestest findings

Creed –

1. There is not reality but zui
2. All reality can be altered by positive energy.
3. Positive energy is hot air that comes from thinking positive thoughts without first checking against the facts.
4. There are no facts.
5. When facts inconveniently occur (despite 4) and one is in doubt about what facts to consider; refer to Rule 1.
6. Always claim credit for work you did not do.
7. Claim that being a facilitator is work and disclaim that work or blame someone if the results fail to impress the relevant target.
8. The boss is always right.
9. Always talk more than you listen. It saves the other party talking and accidentally saying something that actually makes sense that could contradict what you said.
10. An “interlogue” involves two or more persons talking but nobody listening.

Other Rites – Devotees ritually chant following words or phrases for hours, a sample of which follows:

synergy
synergize
tip of the iceberg
touch my heart
shi chang
peel the onion
best practices
positive energy

Pineism – The Search for the (Un)truth

longkaozui — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 05:09:13 +0000

Pineism concepts

Pineism is an eastern mystical religion which revolves around the symbol O. Pronouced “Oooooh” it is also the official chant which is most often sited by the Head & Fellow of the religion in the presence of The Almighty Misogynist (TAM).While not worshipped by all followers of Pineism, TAM is worshipped by the Head & Fellow (aka LongKaoZui).

The fundamental belief, revolves (pun intended) around the symbol which relates to the: Lack of Objectives, the creation(and use) of useless Acronyms, Circular action and Emptiness (LACE)

Joining Pineism

Often followers of Pineism are unceremoniously re-orged as part of their induction into Pineism. While the unsuspecting few may apply though a process of word of mouth or even through occasional newspaper advertisements, the large population of the followers are forced into the religion.

Practice & Devotion

Mantras: Followers of Pineism are forced into reciting various mantras regarding the onion (A live representation of the symbol O). Periodically, followers are made to chant their mantras in front of the TAM and made to repent for their “Sins” (crimes often initiated by the Head & Fellow Zui).

Weekly Devotion: There are also weekly sessions where new mantras are taught and brainwashing actively occurs. Recent reports suggest that “Transformers” (The Michael Bay Sai Movie) are to be part of the “curriculum”; and flip flops made the official footware.

Exercise (Tici) – Similar to Tai-Chi, Tici is an early activity of Pineism which has since (r)evolved to their original routes of being a value add activity. However, Tici as practiced by current followers of Pinism involve creating tasks and maneuvering them into the Oooooh – where they begin their Circular movements with no discernible outcomes.

Liberation

So far, large groups have migrated from Pineism to their original practices of Tici. Following a mass exodus in the early 21st century, there have been a continuous trickle of followers who have left Pineism to practice Tici. Others have no choice but to surrender themselves as martyrs to the cause. Nirvana can only be achieved through death or resignation.

You love these definitions!

longkaozui — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 04:49:09 +0000

1. CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

2.COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

3. COMMITTEE:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together

4. DIPLOMAT:
A person who tells you to go to hell
in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip

5. BOSS:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early

THE PHYSICS OF ZUI – EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW EXCERPTS

longkaozui — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 01:23:56 +0000

In the interests of advancing science to the general benefit of mankind, we bring you another exclusive Longkaozui interview with world-renowned nano-astro-bio-socio-psycho physicist-cum-biologist-cum-lobotomist the honorable, the unbique one and only Dr. In Ter Logue.

Longkowzui : Once again, a very warm welcome to Longkowzui, Dr. In. To remind our listeners, Dr. In has a PhD from the University of Langgey. He is a resident Fellow at the Institute of Improbable Market Research and founding member of the Telekinetic Telemarketing Nitiative. We are deeply honoured from the bottom of our hearts.

Dr. In : Oh yeeeees, the pleasure is all mine (rubbing himself) ….

Longkowzui – To start off what I already know; will become today’s fascinating discussion I believe that you will tell us all about the fascinating properties of this newly discovered substance called “Zui”.

Dr. In : You are absolutely right!

Longkowzui : I am?

Dr. In : Yes you ARE!

Longkowzui : I’m right about what?

Dr. In : Zui of course!

Longkowzui – As I understand it, this Zui is so new that the International Union of Physics and Chemistry (IUPC) has not even updated the Periodic Table to include this substance. Many of its properties are still new. For example what is the atomic weight of this substance?

Dr. In – The IUPC will have problems with Zui. I think they have to invent a completely new category of atomic element to fit in Zui since it is a totally unknown entity to science. This is because Zui is completely weightless; it does not have atomic weight.

Longkowzui – You mean it is so lightweight it actually weighs NOTHING?

Dr. In – Exactly. That is the wonder of this vacuous substance. As I said before, it is a substance in a permanently gaseous state. In other words, it is like hot air but a lot less dense – i.e. just a vacuum that occupies space. At least hot air has mass at standard pressure and temperature and even when it is at a supercritical state, but zui is totally mass-less. You can freeze it, you can fry it; its still empty. Sound that travels through it is amplified especially when the sounds are buzzwords like “market”, “peel-the-onion”, “shi4 chang3” and “synergy”.

Longkowzui – How is it possible that which is really nothing can look like something? This is such a hard concept to grasp…. and if it eventually makes it to the Periodic Table, what symbol will it have?

Dr. In – “Zui” of course

Longkowzui – Z-U-I, that’s 3 letters, but all the other elements on the table have only 1 or 2. That is completely irrational!

Dr. In – Exactly! But Zui is already irrational in its natural state, so what difference could it possibly make? More precisely, it is so brainless that it is incapable of rationality. Unreal.

Longkowzui : But what about rational in the more limited mathematical sense?

Dr. In : No, no, not even that! I mean irrational in the sense of having no logic. Of making no sense at all; literally nonsense.

Longkowzui : (under his breath) wow .. that was deep. (Aloud) But Dr. In, I mean …..

Dr. In : Enough! How dare you doubt and question me? Do you know who I am? I have a PhD you know! Do you? Hah! Do you? Am I the expert or you? Har? Har?!

Longkowzui : Neh-Neh-Neh-Neh-Neh! (Shakes his head in a caricature of a retarded ape)

Dr. In : (grabs studio mike and hits Longkowzui on the head with it)

Longkowzui : Owwwwwwwww! (grabs a stuffed lobster and hits Dr. In with it)

Dr. In : Oohhhhhhhh you! Aaaarrrrrrggggghhh!

Voice-over: . . . we regret we have to cut short this live broadcast due to some problems in the studio. (Sounds of fighting in the background, breaking china) Next up. We’ll have a commercial break as we turn you over to our sponsors Hot Gas Unlimited. (Canned music, fade out)

Dun act seh

longkaozui — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 07:07:21 +0000

A farmer named Baburu Singh was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in Bolehland when suddenly a brand-new Volvo S60 advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a frail, rat-looking man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?” Baburu looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Acer Timeline notebook computer, connects it to his HTC cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”*sqwak*

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Baburu. He watches the man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Baburu says to the man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?” The man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a graduate from NTU, INSEAD and Golden Gate Uni, Fellowhip of the Ring, Great Exploiter of ppl’s ideas and to top it off, you’re almost EVERYONE’S good fiend,” says Baburu. “Wow! That’s correct,” exclaims the yuppie with the customary Wow Factor, “But how did you guess that?” “No guessing required,” answered Baburu.

“You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, and to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter you are, and you don’t know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”